part 6: what is known as The Fear Of Chankoom ....

... that's what Ken felt.
At this point, no captain is left .. he is just 'ken'.
With not even a capitol k to his name.
Ken (that's just because it's at the start of a sentence there) stepped
back, that look .... he's wondering 'if i turn and run then my guard
is down and I have my back to him, that can't be wise.
Yea, but if I stay and back away slowly then my face is towards him
and that can't be wise either ... he seems quite angry at my face.
Also my face is where I keep most of my favourite parts.'
-he thought it all much quicker than it reads-
So he sort of turns sideways and continues, um, sidling away ...

the look. THAT LOOK

It just makes you stare, doesn't it.

after what seemed like more minutes than it really was

a 'back of the head rubbing' was imminent ....
The Red One turned.
Captain Ken, for a brief second, thought that 'it' too felt the same way.
... but then it's eyes slightened. A look of ferality sharpened it's face
and Ken's soul stiffened ...

part 3: rubbing. sacrifice. surprise.

Having discovered which one was the chosen monkey, Captain
Ken proceeds ashore and up to the top of Mt. Chankoom, all
the while with his captive at stick point.
His intent; to add a monkey of red red pelt to this volcani
hole.
..... and so now, on this precipice, Ken of the waves and this
handsome monkey (of whom he had begun to grow quite fond)
stood in silence.
The chosen one of prophecy seems ready to be sacrificed ...

part 2: simian Interrogation

They won't talk. They're tough little beggers these three.
Persuasion with treats isn't working. Unlike most monkeys, who are
known to be autistic and banana obsessed, these crimson beasts don't
react ... they seem to be mocking captain ken.
Captain Ken dislikes mocking. ... and since there seems no other way, one is picked.
Any one.
The stick is prepared and shown to each of them. Their faces show
no emotion. One sniffs the stick.
Captain Ken walks over to the table, you can see it in the photo there.
He begins to poke at the monkey's foot with the stick.
Then he moves to the chest ... medium poke after medium poke.
It's actually more like a push than a poke.
He stops.
The sound of waves lapping at the hull of the boat ...
A seagull squeals above, breaking the hypnotic sound.
Captain Ken glances at the two other inmates. They stare back.
He looks back at the one on the table.
He raises the stick up towards it's face and suddenly out of the corner
of his eye he sees one of the others reach out a hand.
He turns sharply and the monkey stands, hand outstretched.
That's him.
That's the one.

14 days out to sea ......

... and captain Ken is still not sure which monkey is the chosen
one.
It all started one and one half months ago, when Ken overheard two
chinese in his local bar ... they were talking about how they had stolen
the 'blood red monkey of Chankoom' from an Egyptie fella they had
duped the previous night.
It is told that rubbing the chosen monkey on the back of one's head
can bring one 'some excellent stuff and probably an xbox '
- but they went on to say that rubbing one of it's dummy monkeys
on yer noggin can be equally fortuitous but in the opposite
direction (luck-wise)
i.e. negative
so here he is ....
... in the middle of the Habnab sea, almost two miles off the coast
of Mibby, where he hopes to find the valley of Chankoom.
Three red monkeys, one is sacred, but which one damn it,
WHICH ONE ....

housecalls were fine, but ....

whenever he was called out to muffin hill, Dr. Bosespeakers was there
all morning. He never payed attention in physiuffinology. He spent his
time trying to get Mary Whatspeakers to touch his manbum.
So every single time, he would have to check every single muffin
until he found the troubled one.
Even then, when he found the one with the slightly lower temperature
he'd be wondering if he put the muffimometer in an embarrassing place.
They never tipped up there neither, not even 5%.
He would spend weeks wondering if this time he really did
'do a mischief' to one of them.
He'd wonder that for weeks, until the next call came.

.... and the moral of the story is ....

What IS the point in all the meanderings, when all you need is the ending?

Ernerd's lucky day

This is the story of a lucky day in the life of Ernerd Bunt.
You see Ernerd was a salesman, a door to door salesman, but people
tended to laugh at him and slam their door in his face. None of them
slammed it too hard though, which was a pity as Ernerd saw it.
He peddled his wares everywhere and every day.
Always eager to sell, but always happy to 'come back again'.
This day, today, as Ernerd walked up Fumpton Street, he heard a
crash and a smash and he knew. Right then. He knew it was his time.
'Angry man', had lost his keys and punched his door hole open.
Ernerd, the door to door door salesman was, today, making a sale.
Today was his lucky day.

an answer to a question

Eat A. Heaps aged 7 asked:
Could you please elaborate on the theories of the "drac-acula" phenomenon.

Hi, I feel that I need to talk about this phenomilon, for it is indeed an
importy one.
We have there [pointing there at examples book], werewolves.
We know about them.
We know how they are sort of like normal fellas but go and get bitten
by a werewoof. The origin of the first werewoof is unknown but what
we DO know is that the ol' 'were' phenomilon is not just limited to
caninular bitings.
When a thing bites a person, they take on it's characteristics, as in
the werewolf, or the meremaid or the merecat and so forth.
When a 'dracula' bites a person, they usually just turn into one, but
sometimes they don't turn completely and become man-aculas. Half of
one and half t'other. Man of a day and a dracula at night.
They don't get much sleep really, as you can imagine.
The most unusual (in my opinion) is the case to which I have devoted
both years of my entire adult life. This case is from the early part of
last century, a time when Europe was riddled with the undead biters
of romantic folklore. They were feckin everywhere. Biting MAD they
were. There are more 'movies' than you can shake a stick at.
This incident in question was when a normal dracula mistook one of his
kind for a normal person. The mad result was something bigger and
greater than either one, and the title of my new documentary ....
Drac-acula
half dracula and half a different kind of dracula.
The result was more evil and powerful than either dracula had been
on his own.
So remember .... never bite yer own kind, it's mad.
.... also look out for my Film ....
"Drac-acula, a Dracumentary" this holiday season .... mmm MMM

did ye ever wonder

about that whole werewolf thing, where if the moon goes behind the
clouds they aren't one.
.. and THEN when the moon comes back out they turn into a wofle ?
Well I did, and it's mad. Does that mean it's just like 'line of sight'
so that if you were one werewolf, all you'd have t'do was close yer eyes.
Maybe all you'd have to do would be to turn yer back on the moon or
to stay indoors.
"What's the story with young Albert Wolfston in No. 17 ?"
"Ah, he's one of them werewolves. The poor lad won't come out at
night, well, unless he WANTS to turn"
"Poor lad"
"Yes. I concur, poor lad"
see ?
It's a mad state of affairs. All the neighbours are talking about it.