31 Days

that night, back in the woods, beanchild had a dream.
He dreamed of three things.

1) A giant floating plate of beans.
2) A HUGE fork, for the beans.
3) Never, eating the beans.

and some other floating beans, that's three things, and another one.

Although the floating beans are sort of part of the floating plate of beans.

Beanchild awoke the next morning and smiled.
Neverything was going to be okay.
He got up and reached for some trousers.

Blue ones. Velvet on the inside, normal denim on the out. Side.

31 Days

Stillness and reflection.
Key left iContact unburied on the surface of beanland, that was the
way of things.
He would grow into a beantree and perhaps, one day, repay his debt.
-although it's also possible that he was just too gray and bad and
perhaps, one day, rise again in some sort of evil revenge scenario.
we'll see how the sales of this go -
anyway, so yea
Key, carrying the unconscious Mandy towards that tear in the
fabric of Beanland, turned to Rangar
"Come on. Leave that, that ..." there were not words in Key's
vocabulary to sufficiently blister iContacts existance.
Well nothing polite.
Rangar stopped growlping at the body and moved towards the exit
"So, that was all mad, eh." Rangar had a way with flippancy.
"To say the least"
"Hey, is that bean thing coming with us, yea ?"'That bean thing' yes the beanchild, it's bubbling cocoon scratched
and torn, bean soup spilled, used to dispatch the i of Contact
it was time to move on, to grow.
It, HE, moved towards that rip that was now their exit.
He turned back to where they had buried Never Pardon and
Mr. Crimson ...
... it seemed like Never Pardon HAD amounted to a hill of beans,
well, a mound at any rate. He and Crimson together.
The beanchild smiled. (not pictured here)
He wasn't the most heroic of protagonists, Never, in fact it was Key
Openshoot, HE came through for Mandy ... and Rangar, we must not
forget the Rangar, brave soul.
It's not all about bravery. Never had found Mandy, he had achieved
something he had dared not to dream of.The dog stalled at the opening to look back ... so too, did the beanchild.
He lingered and looked around. His smile faded and he turned away.
As He finally stepped through the exit rip, his orangey light pulled the
edges together and closed the wound

31 Days

As iContact swung the mortified weapon a growlp from the side
signaled Rangars attack.
Kgnarling and biting.
The attack, however, was post swing, and the felineus weapon had
already launched ...
Crimson flew and scratched

... and then hit the ground.

Key watched as the mog flumped to a soft stillness.Is that blood ? that's not blood
His look trailed back from Crimson, with bean gravy ... back to the bean.
That bigger than big bean, as it slowly emptied.No.
Mr. Crimson was lifeless. No.
NO.
glow.
The bean juice had changed the furry object. It felt strong. Righteous.
Anger flamed up inside Key.
Key, grandson of the noble Sir Walter Mt. Everest Openshoot, squeezed.
Openshoots DO NOT go lightly.
"NOOOO" came his battle cry as he ran and swung...Rage.

Slash.

silent.

31 Days

The sound of an angered bark and manly groar.... and from that rip in the land, from the real world came galloping one ginger dog and one purple leg-ged man.
Key lunged forth fists clenched to nuggets of grizzled punch.
To the ground they tumbled and punch after pummel after punt
back to punch they fought. Key, skillfully avoiding every mash. iContact accepting the
knuckes of retribution ...
but then iContact managed to reach and find a soft furry thing.with a tight squeeze the corpse of Crimson popped with shiny claws.
"ssssuch a fitting wwweapon" hissed iContact.

31 Days

hissssss"mmaaaasssshhhh at yoouuu fAACCCeee.
iMMMAAAAaaaaaaassssshh"
... like before, the mashing seemed to go on and on ...
and like before, Never faded ... everything was going gray and
it seemed like his self wanted to go to that bean-land.
He was already in a land of bean ...

FAding.

fading.

fading

31 Days

... there stood iContact.He had ripped and scratched and tore through to this land of bean.
You can see the rip there on the left, that's a bit of grass and some
trees. See ? It's just there on the left, just above the dead cat.
Oh. Oh yea ...
Crimson, dear Mr. Crimson lay unlifed, the colour still draining from
what was left of him.
Never ran, roaring and flailing.
He and iContact exploded into a violent engagement.
Colour fading ... Never was overpowered.
iContact stood over him, and began to mash at Never's face.
Mash after mash after mash he did.
Mandy had fallen to the beany ground, almost completely gray.

31 Days

Beanland.There they stood, surrounded by beantrees and beanbushels and
there, the slow moving beancreak.
Never Pardon and Mandy Andy felt warm from the inside out.
The moment was like the best moment you've ever felt ...
... to Mandy and Never, it was very similar to that moment a while
back, when they met outside Fenwicks, yea, that was their best
moment ever, and this, this matched that, in fact, it was a little
better as now they were in love and stuff AND in Beanland.
Brilliant !
If they could bottle this moment, then they could taste of it often.
They might smear beanmoment over their morning toast.
They might add beanmoment dressing to their beanburgers.
They might use some beanmoment bits as a tasty enticement in
a trap to catch the troublesome beanvole.
They might.
... then, at that moment they felt the colour bleed from just behind
them ... they felt some of the warm, fade ...

31 Days

At that moment they all stood, frozen, iContact almost upon them,
everything stopped.
The wind in the leaves and the muffled burgeling from inside the big
bean the only soundings to be heard.
The wind picked up and the burgeling loudened.
Just then, arrows of warm orangey glow crawled out from the bean.
One touching each - and engulfing them.
Then they were slowly souped from their places ...

... drawn into that bean

... drawn away to a place of dreams, from the heart of that forest

to someplace not there. To a place not anywhere.
To a place of dreams.

31 Days

... before them was the stuff of dreams ...A vision they had both dreamt of.
"It's the bubbling in a big bean man"
Never said it, but just as he did he heard Mandy say just the same.
Mandy turned to Never, with an intense look, then she turned all
of the more ...
behind them
iContact had held one of Crimson's claws aside and was just finishing
" .. ubbling in a bean man"
Mr. Crimsons scrawlping was only understood by Never Pardon.
'It's that bubbling bean man you were on about' is what he said.
He was right, it was.

31 Days

Through the woganwoods they ran.
Over broken branch and under twisted twig.
Over fallen leaf and under blooming sprig ...iContact, screaming and howling, Crimson faced
and flailing arms ...

closing in ...

Then out in front, as the trees spread before them ...
The chase almost at it's close, they both beheld a sight of sights.
Never and Mandy were confronted by a glow of orangey red.
The sort of glow that raises the temperature of ones cockles.

... and cockles suitably warmed ...

31 Days

They both wanted to run as fast as their toesless legs would leggit
but neither could move. Their holding hands gripped tight.
THENMr. Crimson, out of the dark, came like a manga cat. Hurtling.
It was like there was a cat magnet inside iContact's face or
something.
-please note, there was NO cat magnet-
It's just that Mr. Crimson was true to his word.
Burried claws. High pitched scrawlp and basey growls.
All that Mandy heard was cat scrawlping.
Never, however, understood Mr. Crimson ...
"run" He hissed at Never.
So they did ... like a set of'uckers running away from another one.

31 Days

Walking Mandy back to her void, Never took her hand.
It felt warm, body temperature, as he had hoped for.
Mandy, however, had expected wrongly.
She had expected almost the same as He had.
What she got was a cold touch. It was nice though. She liked it.
Cold like a cup of tea that had gone cold and then put into a glass.
Only this was nice.
"I've .. I've often thought about you Mandy. I missed you."
He stumbled over his feelings, but surprising himself, the words
sounded right.
"I thought you might have started wearing a shirt by now"
On they walked ...
... the best way to her Void was through the terry woganwoods.
They turned to each other and smiled, but then ...
then a dark figure imposed on their moment ...
"iContact !" Mandy whispered, hushed it, gasped it.
"you did what? wait, is that his Name? - !! You KNOW HIM !?"
"Um, he's um, well. He's my "
"IS HE YOUR BOYFRIEND !?"
"No ! no He's not, um, well.
He's my neighbour Prim, He's her brother. I keep telling him to
leave me alone but he's sort of obsessed y'know. FECK OFF!"
"He's a bloody face masher is what HE is."
"He-HE's THE face masher? Oh My God." She went into that
overused sort of whispering that they have kids do in rubbish
modern horror films ... but you know, in this instance it works ...
"we should run"

31 Days

the best moment ever.

31 Days

Never walked, No, inched along - fiddling with his brand new
#boxshock 'temporal interval indicator.'*Press.
Illuminate.
Wait.
Dim
Press.
Illuminate ...
Four eighteeeeeeen, fooouuuuuuuurr NINEteen
It's the little things. This little thing was suitably chunkular, with
the latest of green glows and a yellowy after hum.
Orglanite crystals in the backface of the device caused a slight
tingle when it embrightened. The lad in the shop said not to worry
about it.
"It's probably normal" He said.
Hyplotized by it's orglanic instaglow ... Never stopped.
Having realised who he was, Mandy stopped.
An exited butterfly seemed to be caught in her bra area.
"Never?"
He dropped his hand slightly as his focus shifted to her.
"Mandy?"

31 Days

Stepping out of the shower, his face scrubbed raw, Never tried to
see through the steam.
Mr Crimson sat on the velvet throne, purring in the steamy heat.
"I would have scratched his face up, but you know, I was stuck in
here wasn'i. Maybe leave one of them windows open a bit?"
"I will I will"
"Make my belly busy"
"Is that it, Crimson, is that the extent of your bedside manner ?"
"I said I'd have clawed the shit out of his front face, didn'i."
That was the best Never would get out of Mr. Crimson, but in cat
terms that's pretty good.
Never needed some technology, by way of self
#manmpering.
He would go to town, to Fenwicks, and perhaps buy a digital
watch or something.

31 Days

... just as Mandy was off out into town, the dull tatting that she had
noticed turned into a rumble and a masonry incident of plot
developing proportions.
Key Openshoot, from the void next door, had been busy about the
business of the banging and the hanging of a cork board to pin up his
pregnant wife Prim's latest scan.
"Awe FLiPPiN Hell. Sorry Mand, these walls aren't nearly as hardy
as I'd expected. Bloody cheap void partitions.
I was just about to hang this etc.."
Goblosh agape, Mandy just stood there, balanced
(if I'm to be honest) a little unrealistically
.. but balanced none-of-the-less.
Setting her other foot down, she calmed out the words
"Your payin' for that Key, you know that."
... she would sort out the fixality of it while she was out ...
Mandy was easy going like that.

31 Days

"Why, i say WHY are you piling me beans on the floor, there?"
"I can't find a plate or your dish or anything.
Sorry Rangar, it's just, in this void it all blends you know."
"Well, Quite, yes" - Ranger book-ended all his sentences with
'word comma' and 'comma, word'.
"Yea, I prob'ly should've got you that bright colourful bowl.""Right, so do you expect me to eat these off the void, yea?"
Mandy's facial tone changed slightly.
"Sir, I'll get you a bowl 'of colour' if I pop into town, for now, eat
your beans"
He lowered his head and squinted at them.
"Dark, they're awfully dark, these"
"Yes, they've got extra mulch, yum, eat up"
Ranger, like most days, wasn't best impressed with Mandy's work.

31 Days

Mandy Andy lived in a nearby void.
It wasn't much, but it was her OWN.
... wasn't much, well, maybe it was a lot. It's hard to tell really.
Mandy went to school with Never, but hadn't seen him in a long
while. Work, and the void, sort of got in the way.
Mandy had been thinking though, that she should probably pop
into town to get some new lacy white curtains.

31 Days

Elsewhere ... breakfast beans fresh from the tin.

31 Days

just before dawn Never started to stir... the sounds of the morning muffled, he came to realise that his
ears were encrusted with fluid not of his own making.
Blue-ish gray spittle bits. Or is that gray-ish bluey. grey. gray.
Splooge.
His eyes adjusted to the day and he noticed us above him, very
slowly rotating clockwise and pulling away, making him seem
smaller and more alone.
We continued to look down on him as he stumbled to his feet, up the
steps and into his home ...

31 Days

... a mere seven minutes lasted so much longer ...
the focus of Never's mind on the here and the now made every
second feel like a dozen more.
'Think of something, else ...'
His mind couldn't move any more than his leg, or his other leg
or his arm, or his other hand. Or in fact, the first hand, or the
other arm - I mean basically - or his head- BASICALLY he
couldn't move, neither physically nor mentalically.Every bump & pore like a mountain followed by the deepest of
caverns.
Every particle of salivary amylase oozed and felt like a smothering
of offensive accosting juices.
In reality it lasted seven minutes. In his mind, it was without time.
For in those seven minutes Never was lost.
That may very well have been the end of Never Pardon.
He went limp and empty.
Then he was there, back in that place ...
... floating in dream. Big beans all around.
Past here, beyond the presence of these big beans was that bigger
than big bean.
Inside which he knew what could be seen ... that floating bubbling
man ... and yes, he was there.
Never placed his hand on it's surface.

31 Days

Just as Never was upset beyond what he thought was his limit ...
the moist separation of It's face hole heralded a
#levelUp
of discomfort and creepy. the tongue snaking out from that gaping orific pit ...
The sinister events took a turn from
"iiiiiihh"
to
"eeeeeeuuughh"

31 Days

... "iiiiiiiiiiihhh" agitated beyond all comprehension, Never was
catatonised with creeped out fear.
All that quivered was his whimpering lower lip.
All that sounded were the high tones of the upper vocalulatory
region of his voice box.
All that twitched was that bit that's not your cheek but not yet
your eye, the bit that might twitch if your face were being mashed
at by a large gray man in the woods at night.
"have iiiitt"
'christ', thought Never, 'this is not at ALL okay'

31 Days

"easy now"came the hush. "eeeasy"
Dark eyes widening, hands closing in on Never's face."ih" Never whimpered, creeped out.
"go on. take it" - stroking Never's brow and cheeks, not gently ...
padding at his chin and mouth.
"i mash at you FAce"
"iiiiiih" Never affirmed his repulsion.

31 Days

As the eerie mist thickened across the outcrop, the figure loomed in."l-l-listen, you don't have to do this ..."
"Do what, exactly" calmed the gray shape ... still advancing ...
"Wh-whatever it is you're doing"
-backing away, Never's heel found a small stone, sending him three
quarters of his height downwards.
He fell backwards and scrambled without pause back to his full
height.
Too late.
The shape, the gray imposer, was upon him ...

31 Days

Outside Fenwicks's's' window ...
... it wasn't Chrimbo yet, but people were in a good mood.
Barry thumped his tubs on and off for, oh, gone nine hours.
Never did his little dance for the people, too.
At one point a little fecker of a kid tried to grab at one of Barry's
tubs but Barry is like a maniac on them things when he gets goin
.... and he was well and truly gone ... so the kid got accidentally
clattered with one of his thumping sticks. Fair enough.
paninis for lunch
They made 6 Euro, a small piece of cloth (probably a neckerchief)
and a banana.
Not a bad days fiddledy really.
Tub in Tub and thumping sticks stowed ...
"Cheers then."
Barry, walking off, gave a tiny wave, a stiff and sharp movement to
the air, bending only from the elbow.
The movement that, to these friends, meant 'cheers then, bye.'
Never sort of half did the movement, 'cos when he started it Barry
was already turned away, so he didn't bother to follow through.
"Cheers then." He said it louder, to counterbalance the lack of full
gesture.
Never Pardon was all about balancing things.
On the road home an eerie mist was huffing up ...

31 Days

"Barrreeeee. aaaaAAAAAyyyy ..."
"aaAAAAyyyyy"
"aaaAAAAAyyyyy"
- both gentlemen close their eyes and raise their brows in an
almost ecstatic show of enjoyment-
both "fffFELLaaaaAAAAsss"
Mr. Crimson pauses lapptating at his beans. Nothing moves save
for his eyes, in that demeaning cat manner ...
" ... hateful ..."
Barry Mancandy was Never's good friend. Friends since school.
He was a tub thumper in town, outside Fenwick's.
Sometimes he would thump outside Easons's, but he preferred
Fenwicks's'
s's'
"I want to try something today Never. Fancy some dancin' ?"
and off they went ...

31 Days

So Crimson sat on the kitchen floor lapping at his breakfast beans
contentedly.
"Mmm, pah, good beans, these, Pinky."
"They're Mitchell's brand"
"That, mah, explains it. 'The taste of care'. Nawmch"
"Stop plugging the beans, Mr Crimson, they sell themselves.
If you wanted to plug anything, plug
#boxofsOwnbrand oven-baked bean balls in a sauce"
-14 seconds of uncomfortable silence-
....
Mr Crimson slows back into lapping at his mmMitchell's beans.
Looking around grogleisurely, Never pops with excitement ...Hey it's Barry Mancandy!

31 Days

Never awoke to a red Cat padding at his face there."Hey, hey PINKY, where's MY DINNER"
Mr. Crimson was irritable when his belly wasn't busy.
- stirring ..
"RANGAR" Never sat sharply upright in his throne.
"What, where am, oh it's you Mr. Crimson, is it that time already?"
Crimson Cat raised his brows, lids holdfast, unimpressed like an
unmoving horizon.
"Make my belly busy, Pinky."
He strolled through into the kitchen room where his dinners
usually were.
"Who the feck is Rangar" ...

31 Days

Watching old cartoons and twilight zone episodes, Never
escaped and fell asleep.
He dreamed of three things.
1) A giant floating plate of beans.
2) A HUGE fork, for the beans.
3) Him eating the beans.
4) ... and a small ginger terrier dog, called Rangar.
FOUR things, he dreamt of FOUR things.The dream floated through his mind like a cloud. He loved his
beans and these giant dream beans were top notch.
In his dream, Never was floating too, that's how he could reach
the big beans. In his dream, however, there was one bean bigger
than the rest ... a semi transparent bigger than big bean, inside
which was a bubbling floating man.
Rangar said something about impending doom, but it just
sounded like a bark to Never, obviously.
At about half past threeNO ...
It was about half way between Three Thirty two and the one
after that ... most of the day lounged away, when Never's cat,
Mr. Crimson, sauntered in ...

31 Days

Never cleaned the kitchen room and wanted to throw the rubbish
away, but when he got to the door, he couldn't step outside.
Nothing magical or anything, it was gray inside his home and it
was far far too green outside today. He couldn't handle it.
It was messin' with his head. Wreckin' his buzz, so to speak.
Something his Da used to say resonated with him today ...
"Some days it's just too nice to be out in the world, son.
Some days the world can go and feck off and stop being so
bleedin' happy with itself."So he just threw the rubbish out. He'd handle it later, maybe.
So he had a nice breakfast #mondaymuffin and sat in his crushed
velvet chair. His Big comfy throne.
Never Pardon's day was off to an uneventful, yet comforting start.

31 Days

On the morning of December 1st, Never woke up with a funny taste
in his goblosh. His mouth, that is. His home, this metal trailer
smelled of last nights beans, as it often did, but the taste was not
one of overnight bean residue. There was an unusual minty
undertone, and an even more unusual leafy overtone.Sitting up in his kitchen bed, Never Pardon grogged to awakeny.
"Where's me troos."
It wasn't Monday. It was the day after that.
The particulars of the day were not really relevant to his trousers
you understand.
These were his everyday character trousers. Blue ones. Velvet on
the inside, normal denim on the out. Side.
He got up.
Outside it was a brisk and fresh morning ...

Oh, by the way ...

I want 31 days to read properly, instead of backwards as this blog
thing wants things to be, so I might try something weird with the
posting times or something.
Pay no attention to the pig behind the curtain.

jayziz, is that a turkey splinter

I know you know that.

It's your catchphrase an' all. Too many zombies. Wider. Now with
realistic flame lighting (tm)

Zombies Don't RUN

It's as simple as that.

coming. December. A new story.

A chapter a day for 31 days.
You'll laugh. You'll go 'hmm'.
You might even find some christmas cheer.
-probably not though.

the untrained child

Camapula came over to say hi, she had her son with her.
Jeremy just flew off the handle and went off on one.
"I will not have that untrained child in my dwellings, here"After the crash Jeremy's two sons drifted from him.
They blamed him for their mothers death.
Jeremy had accepted this to maintain the clean name of his wife,
who was actually the one driving.
She was drunk and Jeremy was passed out in the back.
He awoke to the sound of her singing bat out of hell by meatloaf
and the vision of a tree smashing through the dashboard and
wooding the shit out of her face there.
So as he dragged her from the wreckage and held her tightly in
his fingerless blue arms, he knew he couldn't let her memory
be this ....
... so he decided to claim it to be his mistake.
He had never told anyone the truth, and so their sons had
blamed him all these years.
Now, fourteen years later, his new girlfriend, Camapula wanted
to move in .... but he could not sufficiently explain his unwillingness
to accept her unruly child ... but I just thought you should know.
So that's just between him and us. Don't tell Camapula.
You know, it wasn't just this 'back. story' He also just didn't like
her untrained child.

trick and CHEAT

Carl Redmond dressed up as a Nalien this year.
Maggy, baby Derek and I had to fight him off with lazOR(tm)
Days later we found out that Carl had gotten sick that night, and
it turned out that it was a REAL Nalien. Bloody good thing we shot at
him re:garbless.
Serves 'im right I ses.
grand.

P U N K I M TIME

I never carved before. Now I have though.

Hello there Keith

... Keith you have no teeth.
Do you have a tongue? Hidden among the gums
you have there? I mean, can you lick a lolli?
I hope you can, my friend Keith with no teeth.

Karen Upstream

.... This is Karen, she enjoys watching reality shows about pretty
girls and other ones about tattoo 'parlours'. She also likes coffee
and sometimes tea. Who doesn't really.
Karen Upstream doesn't have a belly button.
She doesn't mind though.